We live in a health-crazed society yet statistics show that Americans are getting fatter all the time. This can only lead one to believe that most diets don't actually work, with one exception....The Amish diet.
That's right. I grew up in Pennsylvania Dutch Country where there are a lot of Amish people and I don't ever remember seeing a fat Amish person. So, from that I can make the scientific deduction that it is electricity that makes people fat. It has to be, they don't use it and everyone else does. They aren't fat and the majority of people using electricity are. Then just mix that electricity with a little bit of colorful clothing from a place like The Gap and you got a whole bunch of fat people.
The next time a guy gets the urge to sue somebody because they are fat they may just want to sue the electric company. Or a clothing store (and if you don't think it's fair to sue The Gap because you're fat sue them because they've made really stupid TV commercials in the recent past.)
If Jenny Craig was Amish and I was trying to lose weight I'd consider buying her stuff. Also, if Richard Simmons was Amish I'd consider buying his exercise tapes. Not because I thought it would get me in shape. It would just be funny to see a gay Amish guy jumping around wearing one of those big black Amish hats and making a fool of himself.
The federal government recently released the new "improved" version of the food pyramid, which should probably be ignored. I don't know why but when I think of the government I think of fat, as in fat budgets, fat "pork" projects being pushed through Congress and, of course, the "fat heads" who run it.
I guess I shouldn't be calling people fat because it's not politically correct. The correct term would be overweight or, better yet, corpulently challenged. How about a compromise and say, "the fat, corpulent guy." No, that would be redundant so that wouldn't work either. Hmm...the only thing that makes sense to me is to call them non-Amish.
There is more and more talk recently about children being overweight or, sorry, non-Amish. But you can't blame the kids. They are just following the example of their parents. From my extensive research into the subject (meaning, I happened to read an article in the newspaper since it was, conveniently, located next to the comic section) one third of all adults are non-Amish and another third are severely non-Amish. Interpreted another way, there are an awful lot of people keeping those Girl Scout cookie drives alive.
While you can get as complex as you want about losing weight it really just boils down to two things, as the experts will tell you, eating less and exercising more. But, since I am now an "Expert" on the subject too, since I've now written an article on it, I'd like to add two more pieces of advice, stay away from electricity and The Gap.
Author Resource:
Steve Yeich is a humor writer with over 25 years of experience. He has written jokes for numerous comedians who have performed on the Las Vegas strip, most notably Jay Leno and Joan Rivers. He has done various forms of script writing including for movies and TV. He has also written over 100 TV and radio commercials. To see more of his articles go to http://darnfunnyonline.com
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