There are many myths concerning twins, one of which is that the twins will not only look alike but behave exactly alike. This is often times encouraged by family members and friends who insist on dressing them the same, buying matching twin baby gifts, fostering the same interests and hobbies and even having their names rhyme. I have to admit, there are some commonalities you just can’t get around when it comes to twins. But, while there are many ways we consciously and subconsciously reinforce their duality, twins really need more opportunities to express their own individuality. Here are three ways you can make that happen:
Refer to them by name and not as a unit
I chuckle when I think about one of my friends whose husband insists on calling her “Wife.” To her, it’s as if the person she was as an individual person no longer exists as she embraces her new role in life. In the same way, referring to your children as “the twins” may make them feel that they don’t have an identity outside of the “unit.” It may take a little more effort to call out their names separately, but it is a subtle way to reinforce their individuality.
Encourage separate activities
Whether it’s a play date or a sports activity, encourage your children to do their own thing. Expose them to a variety of activities, and give them the freedom to discover themselves within them. Even if you find that they’re both into softball, they could still be on different teams where they’re less likely to be compared and can develop their own set of friends.
Don’t compare one to the other
Comparisons will arise even between single birth siblings. So, this advice applies to all everyone, not just twins. It’s best not to judge or position one above the other. Just like the love they have for their Mom and Dad—it’s not better, just different. Instead, look for opportunities to build their self esteem by highlighting the unique characteristics of each child, giving each child a chance to share the spotlight. By focusing on their good, but different, qualities you build their self esteem about themselves beyond the context of their twinship.
Create their own baby books
Photographs of your children playing together are cute, but it’s a good idea to capture shots of them separately, as well. Use them to create their own baby books as a way of preserving their individual memories. Surprisingly, many adult twins express their desire to have had individual pictures of themselves, especially as infants, but none can be found. Yet, doesn’t every child deserve their own set of baby pictures and their own baby album or memory book. Taking the time to record each child s memories through photographs and writings will, admittedly, take more time and effort, but 20 years from now, your children will appreciate it.
As your children’s personalities begin to blossom, continue to look for ways that allow them the freedom to come into their own. While it’s perfectly natural for them to gravitate toward similar activities, interests and behaviors, at least they will know that they have a choice and that it’s okay to be different.
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