I spent many years as a commited Christian, I was even for a short while a Methodist local preacher and went to university to study theology with the intention of becoming a methodist minister. University life, the critical approach to theology, observation of christian hypocrisy and significant questioning of the fundamentals of Christianity led me to abandon my faith and become an agnostic which over the years developed into atheism.
I was perfectly happy with my atheism and felt it freed me from the fear of death as I wasn't afraid of judgement (not that I'm a bad person!) and I was content with the knowledge that death was the end and I just went back to the earth and became part of the never ending cycle of life in that way. It wouldn't be something I was aware of.
When my mum got diagnosed with advanced cancer less than two weeks ago I was shocked to the core and suddenly all my certainties became uncertainties. I found myself asking people to pray for mum and I even attended Church and prayed to God myself to save mum. I knew however that God if he exists doesn't really do stuff like that with advanced cancer so I wasn't really expecting a miracle but I did take comfort from the service and some of the sermon spoke to me personally and gave me words of comfort which I passed onto mum. I saw on the notice sheet for the next week that there was a service of healing which I intended to go along to so I could pray for mum again but my mum died before I could make it.
As I said before, I always took comfort in the fact that death was the end and when mum used to say that nana was watching over us I would smile and say nothing thinking it was just superstition. However now, I desperately want mum to be with nana and I want her to be watching over us. Why am I not taking comfort in the fact that death is the end anymore?
I spoke to my husband about this, he lost his dad in very similar circumstances years ago and it rocked his atheism completely. He said it took him many years to be a happy atheist again.
I am a very pragmatic person and I always look for the simplest solutions in life. I don't for example think bumps in the night are dead people or strange events are supernatural. I always look for the practical solution, however my husband on the day of my mums death was sitting in the hospital chapel just comtemplating and he decided to take a photo of the wooden cross in front of him. When the photo was developed it showed a white bright light around the cross in the shape of angels wings. Now I am perfectly aware that there are probably many practical explanations as to how this happened but does that matter? What matters is the timing. The appearance of an angel, whether a glitch of the camera or the real thing brought me comfort at a time when I needed it and reassured me there is something out there and mum is safe with nana.
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