Jane was mortified ; she'd offered to pay, so why could not he just let her do it? Or if he wanted to split the check, why couldn't he split it evenly? The repellent green monster -- money -- had trashed a superbly pleasant date.
Who Treats
Even if you do not consider yourself likely to discuss high finance during the initial stages of a relationship, money will probably come up. Even as early as the 1st date, you have got to decide who pays for dinner, coffee, the film -- even for valet parking.
Etiquette aside, it's certain to get clumsy when you both reach for your wallets or, worse, begin arguing about who should pay.
There's always the issue of whether the individual that asks is the one who should pay. That's a helpful rule, but it doesn't always apply. Some guys have been trained since birth to tug out their wallets when the check arrives, while others feel as if they've scored when their dates offer to pay.
Since many of us work, there's no reason to think our dates will do the paying, particularly since we're perfectly capable of doing it ourselves. Besides, there's another benefit to sharing the costs : If you go out 6 times and decide it's over, you will not feel bad because the guy's spent his life's savings purchasing you dinner.
21. If you're endeavoring for parity in a dating situation where the man insists on paying, think about other methods. For example, the next time you make plans to go out on a date, ask whether he'd be interested in seeing a play, an art exhibit, or a production -- and tell him you may pick up the tickets. That way he won't feel as if he has to pay for everything, but he also will not get stuck under the accusatory gaze of some superannuated waiter in a restaurant when you pick up the check.
Power Play
once you've gotten the "who pays" issue resolved, you can without doubt move on to bigger monetary issues. You might find yourselves trying to mesh different styles and philosophies. You'll have a personal policy that you never discuss how much you spend on anything or how much you have invested. He may ask you flat-out on the second date how much you pay for rent or what stocks you own.
Jennifer, a stockbroker in new york, went on a date with a new fellow who not-so-subtly told her he was wearing an Armani suit and Ferragamo shoes. He attempted so troublesome to make sure she knows he was just as successful as she was that Jennifer was repelled : "He was likely a pleasant guy, but he was so nervous about showing me how much he spent on things that this was a total turn-off."
money issues are often about bounds and power, claims psychological therapist Phyllis Goldberg. Talking about your investments or dropping hints about what quantity of cash you make or what you are able to afford to buy sends a signal to the person you're dating. It may convey more about you -- or him -- than you are truly ready to learn at an initial stage, so Goldberg counsels keeping cash out of your talks when you are just starting to this day.
The final analysis is that love and money can coexist quite nicely so long as you make the relationship take precedence over who's got the fatter wallet or who picks up the tab.
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